Thursday, August 29 2013
Latina Filmmaker
Vanessa Libertad Garcia
Dies at Age 29
Vanessa Libertad Garcia Photo: BRIT LAURÉN MANOR
A promising young filmmaker and author, Vanessa Libertad Garcia’s untimely death is just coming to light for many in the entertainment industry. She took her life on August 17, and in what seems a growing trend posted her suicide note online, saying goodbye to her family and friends on her personal website. Citing a lifetime struggle with depression and self-hate, her heartbreaking final letter suggests other factors that drove her to take her life such as body image, family relations, sexuality, substance abuse, and pressure to succeed.
The daughter of Cuban immigrants, Garcia was born and raised in Los Angeles. She was an out lesbian, and her queer Latina identity inspired much of her work. Already she had amassed an impressive portfolio, including being an associate producer for the award-winning PBS series “Maid in America” about women domestic workers and self-publishing a book of poems and short-stories titled ”The Voting Booth After Dark: Despicable, Embarrassing, Repulsive.”
There has been an outpouring of condolences and support from friends and colleagues over the past week. Garcia left a number of projects behind, including an upcoming book of poetry called “Bloody Fucking Hell” and the film “Good Mourning Lucille” set for screening in January 2014, as well as a script for a new project titled “Dear Dios.” Garcia’s tragically short life speaks to the experiences of many young queer people and immigrants, who so often struggle with identity and mental health.
__________________________
All My Love, V
How does one begin, expand upon and then end the last letter they’re ever going to write?
Who knows!
At this point, who cares? I’m about to die, after all. If there’s ever a time in life to toss perfectionism to the wind, I guess it’s now. I’ll just be as honest and vulnerable as possible.
In the spirit of the modern age, I’ve decided to post my suicide letter as my final blog post. I don’t really know why other people have chosen to leave behind suicide letters. In my case, I’m writing one just to offer a little clarity on why I’ve decided to take this route out of existence instead of peacing out the old fashioned way via natural causes, car accident, plane crash, murder, cancer, etc.
Well, quite simply, I’ve been miserable for a long time. I’d say the chronic melancholia began at age 14 / 15. I could blame this state of lingering sorrow and bitter dissatisfaction with myself and my life on anything under the sun: my family, poverty, the capitalist system, sexual abuse, obesity, other people, alcohol, luck, fate, and God … but that stance would be erroneous. It would merely be a deflection from what I’ve come to know as the true underlying reason of this seemingly unconquerable gloom: Me.
My inability to adapt to life’s challenges and assimilate its’ lessons into wisdom, gratitude and optimism have left me psychologically torn, emotionally numb, physically exhausted, and spiritually destitute. I do feel, however, that I gave it a damn good try.
Over these last 15 years, I’ve thought to myself, “If I get good grades, graduate high school, graduate college, struggle for my dreams day and night, lose weight, fall in love, make people laugh, love my friends, show up for my family, dance, travel, get sober, pray, go to therapy, take anti-depressants, swim, read, make movies, write books, smile” … then I’ll FINALLY be happy. Fuck being happy, maybe I’ll just feel some semblance of peace, contentment, and gratitude. I’d be lying if I said that doing all those things didn’t add profound joy to my existence because they did.
The Four Experiences I’ll miss most about living:
1) Spending time with people I love
2) Creating Art: Namely making movies & writing
3) Experiencing Other People’s Art: Films, Books, Plays, Exhibits, Music, Dance (Especially Flamenco)
4) Traveling the world
The 1 Experience I’m glad to leave behind:
1) Being Me
Cheesy, Pathetic, and Cliché, but true. There’s only so many people and movies and beaches you can see before you return to yourself. I LOATHE myself. I am the greatest disappointment of my life on all fronts: professionally, physically, financially, romantically. The chronic melancholia of my teenage years has only grown with time and at this point in my life, it keeps me in a state of complete self-absorption. Self-Pity is my daily and nightly routine. I sleep the days away and when I’m actually conscious I can’t seem to get out of bed, bathe, pay for my car registration. I haven’t been able to enjoy the four experiences listed above for quite a while because I’m acutely aware of my presence at all times. It seems impossible to distract myself from being myself long enough to participate aka fully immerse myself in an enjoyable interaction.
I feel as though I’m watching from behind a glass shark tank as the world unfolds in all of its majestic glory. I’m just not a part of it anymore. I haven’t belonged to the experience of “living” for a long time.
In summary, I’m dead already. I have nothing left to contribute. I wish I did. I wish I’d made more of a positive impact and meaningful contribution to society and the planet before I left it. If I had the capacity to do so, I would stay, but I can’t seem to kick this debilitating, crippling, HELLA’ annoying sadness.
I hope that suicide will offer some relief. If there is no afterlife, then I welcome the peace of nothingness. If there is an afterlife and God does exist, I hope he’ll have mercy on my soul and welcome me to the light.
All that being said, I’m scared, not so much of dying, but of surviving. YIKES. That would BLOW.
DO NOT RESUSCITATE, mkay!
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To My Friends & Family (Past & Present),
I leave with absolutely no animosity, anger or resentment toward anyone. I love each and every one of you and will miss you with all of me. Whether we’ve spoken recently or not for many years, you are carved into me and I remember you with deep affection and gratitude. Don’t be too sad though, you know I’ll probably see you guys in about 60 years. Life ends for all of us at some point.
—–
Wish you all an amazing, memorable, and meaningful stay on the planet!
Remember to Orgasm as much as possible!
Love,
Vanessa Libertad Garcia
>via: http://vanessalibertadgarcia.com/all-my-love-v/